myemptyshoebox

Suicide #7. Everyday someone else asks me what’s going on with all this. Here’s what I have to say. 

I think this battle begins in a place that people are searching for but are not easily finding. And those who do find it are often unwilling to explore any further. Although we do it every day in multiple ways, it can still be hard to accept that which is unseen. 

Kids feel the spiritual deterioration of our nation even if they can’t put words to what they’re feeling. They feel the effects of demonic presence in our culture even if they don’t know or believe that it exists. They hear the sometimes subtle, and other times blaring voice of the enemy even though they don’t recognize who is speaking. They believe the lies of the enemy without even questioning the source of the lie. Many times they don’t even know that there’s a source to be questioned. 
Kids unknowingly and sometimes willfully position themselves under the influence of the enemy. How? Lack of knowledge, lack of self-discipline. Why? Because the enemy makes the dark things of this world look beautiful…appealing. He makes destructive things appear to be safe and he does not reveal his true intentions until oftentimes, it’s too late. Kids go running into enemy territory and don’t even realize it because in our society, the protective spiritual boundaries are blurry, even non-existent; and they are being interpreted as restrictive instead of protective. I wonder whose idea that was? Only the enemy makes good things look like evil things and evil things look good. No wonder why there’s so much confusion. So much instability. 

The enemy is the orchestrator of all evil things and he intends to separate us from the love of God by any means possible! When it comes to the enemy, ignorance is never bliss! If we are unaware of his tactics then we are completely vulnerable to his attacks. Since the enemy is invisible we have to be on the lookout for how his attacks manifest themselves in the physical world. We have to learn to recognize his presence, his voice and his lies. Then we have to learn how to fight against them which requires the full armor of God. 

Because of this invisible warfare between good and evil, we find ourselves in the midst of a spiritual battle. Caught between two worlds. Between what is seen and what is unseen. And whether or not we recognize the battle or believe that it exists, it is raging and we are in the middle of it. Scripture tells us we do not war against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Ephesians 6:12. Whether or not we are aware of the battle, we feel the effects of it every single day. Our children are not exempt. In fact, due to the naivety and inexperience of youth, they are a prime target. 

So now, we as parents send our spiritually vulnerable children out into a spiritual battle with no spiritual equipment. With no tools to fight. No spiritual discernment. No spiritual protection. Oftentimes without knowledge that there even is a battle! And we sit back in dumb-founded wonder at why they are not walking victoriously and winning the fight. Our kids don’t know how to fight or what they’re fighting against. And this battle must be fought to be won. 

If you are a parent who understands spiritual warfare and who is equipping your children to fight, DON’T EVER STOP! Keep instilling God’s Word in your heart and mind, so you can impart His truths and promises to your children. At the end of the day, the Word of God will be the ONLY sure thing we can stand on and live by. His Word never comes back void and nothing done for His kingdom’s sake is done in vain! 

Do not sacrifice the spiritual investment of your kids on the alter of anything this world has to offer! Don’t allow busyness to derail you from your highest calling as a parent. If you don’t have time for spiritual investment, cut something out. Chances are, whatever is getting in the way has been strategically placed there to steal your time. To distract you. To keep you from engaging in the battle. To keep you from helping other people know what to look for and be ready to fight! 

Some things are just not worth the amount of time we invest in them. If we are going to have unshakeable faith, unwavering hope and peace that surpasses understanding, then we have to invest in that which nurtures those things! Activities that have no faith-strengthening value, will not matter when times get hard. 

Don’t allow the pressures and expectations of this world to re-write your expectations for yourself and your family! Stay focused on that which the Lord has asked and empowered you to do! Don’t wait for someone else to do the things God has called YOU to do! Christ came to set us free from that which sets us back! We don’t have to live in confusion, worry, fear or anxiety! We are free from the bondage of sin, free from the pursuit of perfection, free from unreasonable expectations, from fear, from guilt, free from condemnation. Christ came for our freedom and He came bearing gifts. The gifts of grace and mercy, of compassion, forgiveness and understanding! Gifts of salvation, of healing and wholeness! It’s time to operate in these gifts. Time to live in the freedom and the VICTORY that Christ offers us! 

If you are new to this conversation about spiritual warfare or you just don’t have a solid understanding, it’s time to start asking questions! World events are unfolding fast and it’s time to be in the know. It’s time to move in the direction of truth and wisdom. It’s time to speak. And it’s time to open our eyes to the reality in which we live. Opening eyes will inevitably save lives. 

Well, Friday marked the last day of my last class before I finally graduate college! Hello new life!!! So nice to meet ya! I feel like a completely different person today! This weekend is one out of a handful of weekends in 6 years that I do not have any homework to do!! I can barely contain myself. The huge burden of endless reading, testing and writing research papers has been lifted. Hallelujah! Is it even possible that I am finally entering a new season of life?!

As I stare my newly acquired hours in the face, the possibilities of what to fill them with seem endless. I am dreaming of all the new ways I’m going to spend my time:

Writing (anyone else curious how someone starts a blog in October and by March of the next year there are only 4 entries?!! Hmmm…Maybe I’ll get back to that), scrapbooking (still working on my kids’ baby albums and my youngest will be 13!), organizing (there is never ending clutter control going on in my house at all times. For me, external decluttering = internal decluttering!), cleaning out the basement (or should I say, the overloaded, downstairs storage unit that is rapidly beginning to resemble an episode of Hoarders-Buried Alive), walking our family dog (if it wasn’t for my sweet son, the dog would have totally forgotten what this process looks like by now!), working out (I’ve seen the gym 5 times since last June!), reading a book a month again (I’m still trying to finish Ann Voskamp’s “One Thousand Gifts”, which I started back in 2014) bible studies (“over-yessing” myself led to me pulling out of women’s fall and spring studies this year)…and I’m pretty sure you are getting the picture!

I am looking forward to not only doing all of these things, but ENJOYING them! Somehow throughout school I managed to do most of the things I wanted to, but more often than not I was stressed out and not enjoying the journey. Things that were supposed to be fun and exciting or relaxing simply became more stuff on the to-do list. You know something’s wrong when date night becomes 2 people catching up on chores night. Just sayin.

After the excitement of compiling my new lists, I sat back and reviewed them and suddenly I was overwhelmed again. This can’t be right! Alas, here lays my first struggle – my desire to be busy doing a million things all at once. I have learned, the hard way mind you, that no one can do a million things, all at once, to the glory of God. Stretching yourself too thin only makes for an overwhelmed heart and an underwhelmed soul. I think Lysa Terkeurst taught me that. I have also learned that I personally cannot do everything on my endless to-do lists, unless I allow God to create the list. Herein lays my second struggle-setting my agenda aside so I can do what God has asked me to do. Yes, I still whine on the inside, and sometimes (okay a lot of times) on the outside, when I don’t get my way. Needless to say, surrendering my hours to God is a challenge for me. I want to do what I want to do.

BUT, since I know this about myself and I am learning from my past mistakes of “over-yessing”, and committing to too much of the wrong things, I am determined to have a different approach this time. This new season will have to include some much needed changes. Changes that will allow my family to have more time together, changes that will bring me rest, relaxation and restoration, changes that will strengthen my marriage and that will allow for me to be more effective in ministry. The biggest change needs to be the quantity and quality of time spent with God. It is only through Him that any changes will have a fighting chance of surviving in this house. Lord knows I continually fail to do change well. And consistency is not my strong suit either. Lord, help me.

Yesterday as I thought about some possible life changes, I knew I needed some inspiration. God often inspires me through my love for reading so off to the Christian bookstore I went. I found a book by Jessica Turner called The Fringe Hours that caught my attention. I purchased it and this morning I read Chapter 1- “Pursuing Balance”. What a fitting place to start on my journey towards better spending my time. For the next few days I will be in the process of evaluating what matters most-step one of my journey. I am going to take my time with this one. Lord knows I can’t afford to keep striving after that which does not pertain to my role in His kingdom agenda. Well, here’s to the next thing. Whatever that means! I hope you’ll join me on the journey!

So, last summer, God began revealing to me the underlying reasons for my inability to move forward with certain areas of life. He revealed a heart condition that had gone undetected by me for many years. However, in His divine omniscience He waited for the perfect time to unveil this mystery to me. A time when I was able to respond in an appropriate spiritual and emotional manner. A time when it would not unravel me, but rather propel me forward, running into His arms for comfort, holding on to His hand for guidance. What He showed me forever changed my age old excuse of not having enough time for the things He has asked me to do.

The Lord revealed to me that throughout my life, I have not established a pattern of wisdom. I have not held to a series of standards that move me forward in a positive direction, but rather I have chosen values and behaviors that keep me stuck. And without that series of healthy habits, I have created a deeply engrained and somewhat subconscious belief that I cannot finish things well. He’s not talking about the millions of little things and projects in life that I start and finish on a daily basis. No, not those. He is talking about the big things in life. And this deeply engrained fear keeps me from taking some much needed steps of faith.

Of course I was not pleased with this revelation because I have always been so proud of my ability to work hard and get things done. I make the grade, I give my all and I do my absolute best! What could God possibly be referring to? Doesn’t He know that I am the epitome of an overachiever, a Type A personality who is supremely organized and prepared to single-handedly take on the world!? Surely He knows this about me! Maybe He needed reminded? Do you ever find yourself trying to remind God of who you are and what you’ve done, as if somehow you will earn some extra favor? Who are we kidding?! Well, after I took it upon myself to remind Him of whom I was, He began to gently remind me of whom I really am. Deep inside. In the places I don’t dare look. He revealed parts of my heart that I had not yet recognized or reconciled with. He humbled me…my least favorite feeling in the world.

He showed me the lack of faith that is attached to my pride and self-sufficiency. He challenged me: “Chiantel, over the years you have learned to rely only on yourself. You have no room for Me.” Ouch. “Look back at the big decisions you have made in life and tell Me where I was. Look back at those pivotal, life-changing moments where you totally fought against what I had for you.” Okay, yah I remember now… “Deep inside, you are wrestling with one of your greatest fears-failure. You are afraid to commit to Me because your past has lied to you and you have believed that commitment isn’t worth anything. You have believed that things fall apart in the middle of commitment, so why bother sticking it out. You have chosen to be loyal to your feelings, fears and failures instead of being loyal to Me and My truth.”

Now I understand. Now I know what God was referring to and I can’t even argue. He’s right. My negligence to my calling is not due to a lack of time, it’s due to a lack of trust. Trust that God can and will see me through the things that are so much bigger than me. Trust that He really is sufficient. That He is faithful to do what His Word says He will do, and that I do not need to rely on my VERY menial and fleeting abilities. Trust that, “His Word [REALLY DOES] cause me to step away from the comfort zone of my natural abilities and into the realm of His supernatural POSSIBILITIES!”-Priscilla Schirrer.  The Lord is now helping me believe something new. That I really can do all things through Christ. That Chiantel can step aside because God’s got this.

Let’s just face it-new beginnings are hard. Change has a way of revealing our true character, and sometimes that person is ugly. In dealing with some of my life’s current changes, I have come face to face with parts of me that I was certain had died with my old self! Changes force us out of our comfort zones, removing us from the status quo and thrusting us headlong into the unknown. In our culture, we try to dress up “change”. We attempt to make changes more tolerable by attaching labels and slogans to them. Now, instead of making difficult changes, we make “fresh starts” and are encouraged that change does not have to intimidate us and happen quickly, but rather it begins with one step in the right direction. We make it sound so easy…afterall, it’s only one step. How hard can it be? Oftentimes our first step comes at a great cost. And the steps that follow cost just as much, if not more.

This morning I am faced with what seems like a lifelong unanswered question of mine. Even though I have thought about this question in many contexts over the years, today there is a Spirit-led desperation in my soul that demands I start finding some answers. Why? Well, because it is time to figure out what holds me back from wholeheartedly pursuing God’s call on my life. Simply put, “Why has it been so hard to do what God has asked me to do?” Feeling a bit like the apostle Paul here as I struggle within to do that which I know I should be doing. (If you have no idea who or what I’m talking about, please check it out for yourself in Romans 7:15).

So, back to the dilemma: The struggle is real and I need to know why. From a scriptural standpoint, I fully understand and recognize the spiritual battle we are all in the middle of. I could go on about this topic for pages because it is critical to our understanding of this life, but I’ll keep the explanation short. So, our culture is quite familiar with the concepts of good vs. evil and darkness vs. light. What most people understand is what Hollywood portrays – evil exists, but there is a “greater good” or “higher power” that usually triumphs in the end. Well, in reality it goes much deeper than that. What it really boils down to in the end is True Light- the Lord vs. true darkness-Satan, the enemy of our souls. And regardless of one’s belief in or recognition of Satan as the deceiver of souls, the spiritual battles he participates in are real and so is the struggle! The enemy has one goal, to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10) Please don’t think that any one of us is exempt. He is one of the biggest reasons for humanity’s overly busy, self-seeking and unsettled state. It is all part of his plan.

As believers in Christ, we know the enemy cannot destroy our souls-they rest peacefully in the eternal Hands of our Father. However, if the enemy cannot destroy us or cause us to self-destruct, he can certainly cause us to self-distract! He knows if he can keep us busy, our eyes will be on the things of this world and not on the things of God! Why is that a problem? Because, “this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever”! (1 John 2:17 New Living Translation) And herein lays one of the answers to my lifelong question. “Why has it been so hard to do what God has asked me to do?” Distractions!

If I am honest, I can take a look back through my life, and see so clearly that every wrong road taken and every crisis point reached was due to some type of distraction. Whether I was distracted by my selfishness, my pride, my friends, my lack of trust, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, whatever it was at the time-distraction was responsible for many of my depraved decisions!

And this discovery leads me to yet another question, “Why was I completely derailed by my distractions?” Distractions are part of everyday life, so how was it that many of my past distractions totally consumed me and drastically altered my actions? I’d like to think that the inexperience of youth played a huge role in my derailing, and to some extent I know it did. But what the heck is my excuse now!!?? Youth has long since passed me by and I’m still being derailed by distraction. But now, the distractions are legitimate and absolutely necessary! Right?

It’s funny and yet somewhat tragic, how distractions can be subtly disguised as legitimate items on the to-do list. I’m sorry, but who came up with this idea that the grass has to be cut every single weekend? Or that you have to have Netflix to avoid missing out on every single episode of every show, EVER! Or that your kids have to be involved in every single sport and extra-curricular activity if you want to qualify as one of the “good moms”. Well, I’m here to tell you, I will happily go on the “bad mom’s” list if it means I get to have real relationships with my kids! Especially if it means I get to invest in their spiritual lives in a way that soccer does not!  Plus, I get to have a home with less stress and a family with more time together? Sign me up! Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place for extra things in life, but lately, for our family, those extras are coming at a cost that I am no longer willing to pay!

This year I have felt busier than ever, and that my life is being controlled by lists, not love. There is so much to do that the lists have become my daily go to and my determiner of how useful I am. What a joke! When I finish the things on the list I feel accomplished and unstoppable (but let’s be honest, the list is never finished-so how often am I actually feeling good about my day?! Yah, next to never!) So God has shown me something this year about the constant distraction of the list.

First He showed me that there is nothing wrong with lists-they keep us motivated and on track. The problem arises when the lists, instead of the Holy Spirit, dictate the direction of our lives! He showed me that my lists are crowding Him out. That I am spending too much of my time on things that don’t matter (unfortunately that didn’t include the laundry). And worse, I am not managing my life with eternity in mind. Talk about a wake-up call! Truthfully, I have known about this issue for a long time, but I have never felt deep down in my soul that something absolutely had to change and quick! This morning, I feel it.

Something else is calling for my time and attention. Something so much bigger than Facebook and friends. Bigger than chores and even “church”. Bigger than who I am and what I am capable of doing on my own. It is something that requires me to start derailing my distractions instead of allowing my distractions to derail me! I have a feeling that there are some daily disruptions keeping me from my Best Yes life! But that’s a blog for another day!

…every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end…